So, I guess this is the right time for my last post. One month later. The time has gone quickly and honestly, we have not had time to grieve. That is not a good thing. I wish I had a checklist of what needs to be done because feeling unorganized and a bit out of control and out of my element is not comforting to me. I know it shouldn’t matter that the laundry doesn’t get done or the leaves don’t get raked, but there are still bills that need to be paid, cars that break down, colleges to apply for, and book reports that need to be written. Time doesn’t stand still even when a loved one passes away. I’ve always heard that a month after a loved one passes away is the loneliest. Please don’t worry – I’m not lonely… My friends, neighbors, and family are taking good care of me and I don’t have time to be lonely. I know the loneliness has yet to set in. Actually being lonely means time to grieve, and that is okay.
I have never thought of myself as being all grown up – I still feel like a kid and sometimes act like a kid, so changing over insurance policies, bills, and doing all this adult stuff that needs to be done is really difficult for me. If only there was a button I could push to make all of the paperwork go away. I guess I could just throw it away knowing more will come in the mail anyway, but that would be running, and I don’t run. I confront and handle !! Anyway, a month later and things generally are moving forward…I’m working, the kids are in school, and we still have dinner together as a family. Sometimes I think about the things we are doing and wonder if Kent would be okay with how I’m doing things or with the decisions I’m making. Sometimes I forget that he isn’t here and I just tell myself he would be proud of us and would approve of the decisions we are making.
Dealing with two teenagers who are both handling their grief in different ways is challenging. I am trying to give them space to handle this their way, and taking their lead as much as possible, but still trying to keep Kent’s spirit alive and using his name in everyday conversation.
I chose today to end my blog, not really knowing what to say. God answered that question for me today when I opened my mail. I received one of the most touching notes I have received throughout this journey. It was a note from my Aunt Millie. She married my Uncle Milt many years ago, and he passed away unexpectedly, several years ago. It was a very painful time for our family, and only a short time after my cousin and their son, Kevan passed away from complications of diabetes. Aunt Millie has been down this road twice and I always thought she handled it with grace, even though it was evident how difficult it was for her. She told me how their love ran deep and strong and for many reasons she chose to handle her grief alone. Everyone handles grief in their own way, and I know we are all handling Kent’s loss in our own way. Aunt Millie said that she is proud of me…and that means so much, even though I really don’t deserve it. She said we are a whole lot stronger that we think we are and she wishes me wisdom and strength in the decisions I will be facing with Kristina and Keaton, and told me that Uncle Milt always told her to “run it through your system many times and then stay gounded in what you decide.” Those words mean so much to me because I loved my Uncle Milt and getting a little of his wisdom will stay with me for a long time. Just as we all miss Kent and the way he was grounded and stuck to what he decided, it is what made him the special person he was.
In closing, Aunt Millie enclosed a verse that she memorized and said during her moments of weakness and I would like to share it with all of you to hold on to in tough times.
If I should die and leave you here a while, be not like others sore undone, who keep long vigil by the silent dust and weep, for my sake turn again to life and smile, nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do, that which will comfort others souls than thine, complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine, and I, perchance, may therein comfort you.
I will never know the kind of love and friendship that I have felt for the last two years. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, friends and family. Stay strong and keep the faith.
With love, Kim